Tag Archive | Joy’s journal

Joy’s Journal 2-22

If you want to read the last part.

I was having a really hard day. I was feeling kind of hopeless about getting better, my stack of schoolwork was probably taller than I was, and I felt alone. 

From it’s spot, my laptop started ringing, a video call alert from Savana.

I didn’t really feel like talking to her, but I didn’t want to disappoint Savana.Laptopyop.

The laptop beeped, and we were connected. Savana had moved into a room with Callie, and it was the same as ours, but flipped.

“Hey Savana.” 

We talked for a few minutes, but I wasn’t very enthusiastic. I answered her questions, but she was the one leading the conversations.

Finally Savana noticed something was off.

“What’s wrong Joy? You don’t seem much like yourself.”

I sighed. “Do you think it’s easy to act like yourself when you are stuck in the same room for days?”

“I didn’t mean it like that Joy.”

“How did you mean it then?”

This is not a watch

“I.” She stopped.  “I don’t know. I guess I meant that it seemed like something was wrong.”

“Of course there is something wrong.” I started to explain about how I was feeling, but then stopped.

“Go on?”

“You wouldn’t understand.” I told her.

“Try me?”

“You wouldn’t understand Savana. No one does. They can’t. You can’t understand how hard it is to be stuck in bed, and for it to be all your fault.”

“Joy, I-”

Yup

But I cut her off. “You can’t understand Savana. You have been having fun with your friends, having the time of your life. You are probably glad that I’m not here, probably enjoying your time with Callie!”

“Joy.”

“Even when I was there, all you talked about was Callie, Callie, Callie.”

“That’s not true!” Savana’s voice was starting to rise now. “You spent all your time with the ‘popular group’ You refused every invitation of mine. I TRIED.”

“But-”

“Look, this is hard for me too, okay?”

“You? You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about. You have everything perfect right now.”

“No. I don’t.”

Oops

I heard a clunk as Savana’s tablet hit the floor, and then my screen went black too.

Joy is tired

 

Later in the day, I was trying to take a nap, to forget all that had happened, but it wasn’t really working.

CUPCAKES

 

Mom came into my room. “Hey Joy, want a cupcake?”

“Nah.”

Being a good cupcake

Mom set the cupcake on my dresser and sat down. “What’s wrong Joy?”

“What do you mean?”

“Something is obviously wrong.”

I sighed. “I had an argument with Savana.”

“Hmmm.”

“She doesn’t understand.”

“You know, this has been hard on her too Joy.”

“Her? But I’m the one who has lost everything!”

“Yes, and she couldn’t do anything to stop it. And I’m sure she misses you.”

I didn’t say anything. It was a lot to think about.

The timer beeped, and Mom got up to leave.

“But what do I do?”

turning back

Just before she left, Mom stopped. “You could try talking to her.”

I took a deep breath and pushed the video call button. It rang fourteen times before she finally accepted.

Yay except boo

For the first few seconds we just stared at each other.

Then I started talking.

“I’m so sorry Savana. I know you didn’t do anything wrong. I was jealous of you and Callie, and I thought you didn’t want to be my friend anymore.” I was desperately hoping that she would assure me that she did still want to be my friend, but I wasn’t expecting it.

“Of course I still want to be your friend Joy!” I guess I needn’t have worried. “When you left I felt so bad, like it was my fault you had to go home. Callie helped assure me that it wasn’t my fault, and I needed a friend after you left. And,” she admitted quietly, “I was jealous of you also.”

“Me? What in my life could possibly be worth wanting?”

Savana and her computer

“For awhile you seemed to have it all. You had a big group of friends that you hung out with all the time, and you didn’t seem to need me anymore. You refused every invitation of mine.”

It came upon me, that I had, in fact, refused all her invitations. It wasn’t because I was trying to hurt her, it was because I was too sick to enjoy them.

a couch and a computer

“This has been hard for me too, Joy. You were always my friend, and then you left. Now you are stuck at home, and I’m stuck here. It’s hard.”

“I’m so sorry Savana.”

“I am too.”

 

savananana

“I have to go now.” Savana said. “But if you ever need to talk to me, I’ll be here.”

“Same for you, okay?”

Lexie

 

Joy’s Journal 2-19

The link to the last part 

Finally, finally, One of my teachers figured out something was wrong. I’m not entirely sure how. I was trying really hard to act normal and not show how bad I felt. But they must have thought something was wrong, so they sent me to the nurse.  

Ellen

Ellen was doing stuff in her office, obviously not expecting me. She was very ingrained in whatever it was she was doing and didn’t notice when I walked in. I stood there for a moment, thinking.

I went to the nurse’s office. That’s all they told me to do. If I left before she noticed me, I would have gone to the nurse’s office, but not have to talk to Ellen.

Joy is talking to Ellen

But as I turned to leave, Ellen noticed that I was there and turned around.

“Joy! What’s wrong?” Ellen asked with concern. 

Joy and Ellen

I hopped up onto the bed. “I’m fine.”

“Then why are you here during classes?”

“Um…We are doing hearing tests apparently, and I was supposed to be first….” I trailed off. It was a lousy excuse, but I couldn’t think of anything better.”

“Oh, well, your teacher must be mistaken. No hearing tests today. But while you are here, how are you doing?”

“Good.” I fibbed.

“Are you getting enough rest?”

I know she was asking if multiple things, not just what she said, but also if I was caring about myself.

“Yes.”

I tried to convince myself that because I was getting enough sleep, I wasn’t lying, but I knew I was, and that I should tell the truth, but I couldn’t do it. What would I even say. I wanted so badly for someone to know, but it would only make things worse. At least she didn’t know I was lying.

Looking back on that day, I realize that she probably knew I was lying, but decided that if I didn’t want to talk I wasn’t going to talk, and I’d talk when I was ready.

“Well then, I’d better get back to class.” I wanted to get out of there before she started asking questions I couldn’t answer.

“Yes, yes, you probably should. Have a good day Joy!”

And so I walked away.

Lexie

Joy’s Journal 2-18

And I am back with another part to Joy’s Journal! Things are starting to get interesting now. (Sort of)

Anyway, here’sthe last part.

I felt really bad that morning. I really didn’t want to get out of bed that morning. Savana had left, but I stayed in bed.

Finally I realized that if I didn’t show up in the next few minutes people would start to wonder.

So I finally pulled myself out of bed and threw on a jacket over my pajamas.I dropped my shoe

I struggled to shove on a pair of shoes, being so frantic to get them on that I dropped them.

 Hair everywhere

I finally was ready, and hurried to class, but I was really late and they had started already.

I was late

“And tell me Miss Joy, why are you late today? Are you sick?”

“No Mrs Green.” I avoided looking at her. I didn’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes. 

“So why are you late?” Her voice was gentle, but her eyes had a harsh glint.”

“I just overslept.”

“I’ll let you off with a warning today, but I’ll have to write you up if it happens again.” 

I was a few minutes later than everyone else to the rest of my classes, because I just didn’t have the energy to go fast. My classes seemed so far apart, like climbing a mountain, rather than walking to the other end of the hall.

Gym class is always hard, but that day was worse than usual because the teacher targeted me.

Explainy

We were working on cartwheels. I have no idea why the whole class needed to know how to do a cartwheel. Mrs Andy probably explained, but I wasn’t paying attention till I heard my name.

“Joy, will you show us a cartwheel?”

“I can’t do a cartwheel.” I whispered. Actually I probably could, but it had been so long, and I really didn’t have the energy.

“Come on now, don’t be shy.”

This is Joy

 I tried. I really did. But I didn’t have any energy, and just being in front of all those people freaked me out so much I could hardly function. 

Falling of course

And when I tried to do the actual cartwheel I fell down. Everyone laughed. Laying on the ground I wondered if I had to get up, or if I could just stay down there forever. I wouldn’t have to face everyone.

But I knew they were staring at me, so I got up.

Talking to them

And there was Savana and Callie. They had seen everything. Savana gave an apologetic smile, but I walked away. I was sure they were laughing at me too

Lexie

Joy’s Journal 2-17

I’ve procrastinated a lot, but I’m working on finishing Joy’s Journal. I have most of the pictures, which are old and not good quality, but I don’t have the stuff to take new ones, so I’m going to use these.

The parts will probably not be consistent, but here’s one.

If you have no idea what is happening, here’s the link to the series so far.

So I pretended that nothing was wrong and went to classes anyway, despite feeling so sick. My teachers didn’t notice that anything was wrong, but I was trying pretty hard to act normal.

The next day I felt worse, but I went to class again.

Every day I felt worse, and it got harder to function, but I pushed through it.

I knew that I should stay back from my classes and rest, but I was so scared.

I went to the classes, but I wasn’t really learning anything. I found it really hard to focus on what my teachers were saying, and I often went to bed before I finished much of my homework.

My grades went way down, but my teachers didn’t seem to notice.

Really no one seemed to notice how awful I felt.

 

One morning Savana was trying to wake me up, like always.

Savana waking joy up

“Hey sleepy head!” She teased. “Are you okay?”

The true answer was definitely not, but I couldn’t tell her that. “Nah, I’m just tired.” I told her with as much strength as I could muster.

“Do you want to go get ice cream with me and Callie after classes today?” Savana asked.

Joy and joy

I knew not going might show her that something was wrong, but I just couldn’t do it. “No thanks, not today.”

“Are you sure? We could bring you back some ice cream?”

“It’s okay. I’ve got homework to do.”

I never did end up finishing that night’s homework.

lexie-sign-off

Joy’s Journal Part Two-Sixteen

I’m sorry I haven’t been posting much. Summer’s been crazy. However I started school last week, and I have blogging as one of my subjects, so I should be posting more often. I have lots of Joy’s Journal and reviews to post.

Anyway, I think I’ve procrastinated long enough on Joy’s Journal. Here’s part sixteen!

I was sick of everyone being so mean. So one day I confronted Serenity’s group.

Confronting

“Why are you being so mean to me? You begged for the truth, and I gave it to you.” I told them.

“Why won’t you just admit you lied? We know you didn’t tell the truth.” One of the girls said.

“I did tell you the truth.” I insisted. 

“Joy, we’ve all lied to get out of class. It’s okay, you can tell us.” Serenity insisted.

“I didn’t lie to get out of class. I wasn’t feeling good.”

Because

“Riiight.”

I sat down on one of the beds. “Truly I didn’t.”

“Joy, if you can’t even tell us the truth about something small like that, how do we know you aren’t lying about bigger stuff?”

“Because I’m not.”

Most of the girls rolled their eyes.

hiding

“How can I get you to stop being so mean?”

“By telling the truth, admitting that you are lying to get out of class.”

“I’m not lying.”

“Fine. We won’t be mean to you when you aren’t lying. No promises for anything else.”

Cinnamon

Cinnamon got up and pushed me out of the room. “But we don’t want to be friends with a liar.”

So all I had to do was not skip classes. All I had to do was what everyone else was doing. It was so simple really.

It couldn’t be that hard, right?

lexie-sign-off

Joy’s Journal 2-15

Finally, the much awaited (For some people) next part of Joy’s Journal, part fifteen! There are thirty parts in this series. 

When I went back to classes the next day my ‘friends’ set out to make my life miserable. It worked.

Lockbox

I remember seeing them crowded around my locker as I pulled my stuff out if it.

Mudjuice

I jumped back as a jar of dirt and bugs spilled everywhere. It was positioned to fall out as soon as I opened the door.

By the way the girls were laughing I knew they had done it on purpose.

DSCN7168.JPG

The janitor handed me a broom, and I heard Roberta whisper something to Serenity.

“Stupid girl.”

By the time I had finished sweeping the mess up I was late to Art, and the halls were deserted.

Talking to ze teacher.JPG.jpg

I hadn’t had time to grab my art supplies, so I went to the teacher to try to explain what happened.

“I’m late because some girls put a jar of bugs and dirt in my locker and I didn’t have time to clean in up. I didn’t have time to get my art supplie-”

Ri's lie.JPG

One of the other girls in Roberta and Serenity’s group waltzed in.

“She’s making things up Mrs Oakwood. She’s lying. No one did anything to her, she just didn’t want to paint.”

“Is this true Joy?”

“Of course not! It’s-”

“You are going to believe JOY?” The girl asked. “The one who lied to everyone about her illness to skip school?”

“Good point Cinnamon.”

“You are going to believe Cinnamon?” I burst out. “What abo-”

Mrs Oakwood cut me off. “That’s enough Joy. We need to start.”

emtpy easel.JPG

And so I got to stare at an empty easel the entire time.

lexie-sign-off

Joy’s Journal 2-14

Bedred

That next morning I could barely pull myself out of bed so I didn’t bother. It wasn’t like anyone wanted me there anyway. I would have asked Savana to take a note up to the office, but she had already left so I just went back to sleep.

A couple minutes after the bell rang I heard a knock on my door.

“Can I come in?” It was Ellen.

Blondeish

“What’s wrong Joy?” She asked

“I don’t feel good.”

“That’s understandable, but why didn’t you tell someone you wouldn’t be coming?”

“Savana wasn’t here, and I didn’t feel like getting up,”

Layers

Ellen sat down in the chair. “Is everything alright?”

I thought about just telling her that I was sick so I wouldn’t have to tell her about the girls picking on me, but I told the truth. “A few girls have been picking on me because of my illness.”

“You know, you can’t let them hurt you.” She told me. “You have to decide that you don’t care about they they are saying.”

“Sure.” I said sarcastically.

“I have to go now,” She said. “but if you need me I’m here for you,”

lexie-sign-off

Joy’s Journal 2-13

I know this is short, but I wanted to have at least a short part up today since it’s been so long since I posted Joy’s Journal last. 

After I told my ‘friends’ my secret they left me. No one belived me, and they thought I was taking advantenge of them. Savana had been hanging around with other friends, and I don’t even think she noticed anything was wrong.

I spent most of my free time alone, often crying.

joy's rest

One day I was flopped on my bed in our room. I wasn’t really doing anything in particular.

Callie's here

Savana and a girl I didn’t know came in. I watched this girl look around the room, barely noticing me.

What-

The girl looked over her shoulder in my direction.

“Your roommate is the girl who lied to everyone?” She gasped. “How can you stand it?”

Savana didn’t actually agree to it, but neither did she deny it. “Yeah, that’s Joy.” She just said.

Leanny

“Come on Callie.”

Then they left without even a second glance at me.

lexie-sign-off

Joy’s Journal 2-12

The rest of the parts

dscn4680                         Right after school my group met in Serenity and Roberta’s room. That’s when I decided to make my move. I was going to come straight out and tell them, but they started taunting me about it first.

“So Joy?” Serenity asked. “When are you going to tell us your secret?”

I took a deep breath. “Right now.” And then I poured out my whole story. I told them everything. I didn’t want to deal with them trying to find out my secret. And to my surprise…..

dscn4681

They laughed.

“Wow Joy!” Riley said. “You are a good storyteller. Now tell us the real stuff.”

“B but” I sputtered. “I DID!”

“No you did not.”

dscn4682

This time I tried to be calmer. “Please believe me guys. I’m telling the truth.

“Is a chronic illness even a real thing?” Serenity asked. “It’s not. Tell us the truth.”

Now I was just so mad. I yanked my feet out from under me and stood on the chair. I probably shouldn’t have started yelling at her, but no one’s perfect. “Not a real thing? How could you think that? Don’t you get it? I’m not lying to you! Do you think I would say that I had something this bad if I didn’t? I don’t want to have it! And I didn’t want to tell you either but I did, and THIS is how you treat me!”

Serenity was now almost on fire. “I’ve tried to be friends with you! I’ve tried to get past how stupid you are and make a friend. But no, you are just taking advantage of us. No one could have things so bad happen to them!”Serenity got up and left. Apparently I wasn’t worth being with.

A lot she knew.

dscn4683                            Now Riley got up and left. dscn4684

“How could you, Joy?” Roberta asked. “I thought you were my friend. But you Lied to me!”

lexie-sign-off

Joy’s Journal 2-10

This was only the beginning of such sleepovers. I would have skipped them, but I was scared that my friends wouldn’t like me. So I went to all of them, staying in my room to sleep every day after. I fell farther and farther behind in my classes, but at the moment I didn’t really care. I just wanted to make it through alive.

dscn46601                         Roberta was the first to pick up on it. One day she confronted me about it.  dscn46611                         “Joy, I want to know why every time we have a sleepover you skip classes.”

“Um.” What could I say to that? “I have a reason, but for now you don’t need to know.”

Roberta was not satisfied with that. She told the rest of our group about it, and the were always pestering me, being quite mean. They didn’t believe me, and they really wanted to know. One time I even caught Roberta reading my journal. dscn46621                         After one really hard day I was taking a nap. Savana came down to our room.dscn46631                         “Joy are you okay?” dscn46641                          And then to my surprise I had smacked her, and she was laying on the ground.

I cried myself to sleep.